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Monday, July 30

Thinning. Melodrama.

You believe you are empathetic. You believe you are responsible. You think. You think. You think. You are so completely neither of these things that it drives me to tears. We all have flaws. All of us. Me most of all. But the fact that you refuse to see these things; that you are too caught up in this little world that you have created for yourself to notice that the real world is falling apart; this hurts me. It used to hurt me for you; but now it hurts me for me. I can't do this anymore. I can't do this anymore. I can't. I'm exhausted. So tired.

Remember those numerous times I called you at around two o'clock in the morning on a school night; because I was so miserable and just needed to know someone was there? No. You probably don't. Because instead of asking me what was wrong, why I was awake at such a late hour, why I had called you; you went on about some stupid drama within your group of friends. You told me about that one girl's boyfriend and the party at that one kid's house and how you totally drank even though you had to drive home. Because that was obviously the most important thing at hand. Remember that time I called you about three weeks ago crying from MSU at about one in the morning, so torn up I couldn't even speak? And remember how, instead of actually wanting to help me, you just... Said some things that made everyone you were around aware of my situation, even though it was completely personal? Remember how, instead of comforting me, you only said things that would maximize the amount of attention you were getting from people around you? Because that's all that was. Just the latest gossip to swap with people who don't give a shit about you. Remember how, I got so angry, I just hung up on you? No. You probably don't. Because instead of bringing up that situation the next day or the next day or the next week, instead of asking me how I was dealing with it, instead of apologizing for your immaturity, you never brought it up again. But I understand. Life is so much easier to deal with when the only problems you have to think about are your own.

I try so hard. I try so hard to help you. To make sure that you are okay. I know that I am not perfect. I know. I know. I know. But I'm trying. I'm trying so hard. And I don't want to anymore.

They say blood is thicker than water. But the thing with cliche sayings is that they usually have no place in real life. If you would open your eyes and look at someone other than yourself, you would know that. You would know that I am falling apart, but you are too busy texting people who won't respond to notice.

And I know. I know that this is only one side of you. There is a greater side, a nicer side, a fun side. But right now, this is all I am seeing. It's all I have been seeing for so long. And sometimes, the good doesn't outweigh the bad. Sometimes, those rare moments of happiness aren't worth searching for.

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