It is so odd, the sensation of constantly moving toward and away from one's life. I have been experiencing it for about a year now; but it does not get easier. It does not become routine. It does not become, in any way, "normal."
The plane rides with various layovers can become normal. The slow adjustment to time change can become normal. The experiences of extreme heat and cold within the span of a few months can become normal. But the goodbyes. The hellos. The thought in the back of my head telling me, "This is not going to last. I am going to leave. And then that will not last. I will come back. And then that will not last" does. Not. Become. Normal. Because how could it?
I cannot explain to anyone how I feel. I cannot explain to anyone what this has done to me. Perhaps it has made me stronger. Perhaps it has made me grow. But it has also made me worry, constantly worry. It has also made my life an endless countdown to the next countdown to the next countdown. It has also made me question life in so many ways.
But then again, questioning can only lead to answers, or more questions and then more questions, and then, maybe, 40 years from now, a few answers. Either way, it's a good thing. Self-discovery. Self-exploration. All things I advocate to a fault.
I don't know where this is going. I guess I haven't properly blogged in a long, long time.
I'm trying very hard to summarize how this feels for me. It is not just that I have gone away to college. It is that my family has gone away, too. It is that I do not have a home. Maybe this summer, after I work two jobs and meet nice people, I will be able to start seeing it as home.
But for now. I will sit here. And contemplate things I don't think I'll ever know for sure.
Join me?
The plane rides with various layovers can become normal. The slow adjustment to time change can become normal. The experiences of extreme heat and cold within the span of a few months can become normal. But the goodbyes. The hellos. The thought in the back of my head telling me, "This is not going to last. I am going to leave. And then that will not last. I will come back. And then that will not last" does. Not. Become. Normal. Because how could it?
I cannot explain to anyone how I feel. I cannot explain to anyone what this has done to me. Perhaps it has made me stronger. Perhaps it has made me grow. But it has also made me worry, constantly worry. It has also made my life an endless countdown to the next countdown to the next countdown. It has also made me question life in so many ways.
But then again, questioning can only lead to answers, or more questions and then more questions, and then, maybe, 40 years from now, a few answers. Either way, it's a good thing. Self-discovery. Self-exploration. All things I advocate to a fault.
I don't know where this is going. I guess I haven't properly blogged in a long, long time.
I'm trying very hard to summarize how this feels for me. It is not just that I have gone away to college. It is that my family has gone away, too. It is that I do not have a home. Maybe this summer, after I work two jobs and meet nice people, I will be able to start seeing it as home.
But for now. I will sit here. And contemplate things I don't think I'll ever know for sure.
Join me?
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