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Wednesday, June 10

this is too personal. but i don't care. the phone is annoying.

i guess i'm just kind of bummed out. things don't seem to be working very well. meshing, or whatever it is that they are supposed to do. this post isn't going to have capital letters since my left shift key is not working at the moment. i hate this computer.

i just want it to work. be easier. i'm exhausted. i'm exhausted of all the planning, trying, disappointment. i'm so tired of it all. i mean, you. you are something that i don't think i could ever get tired of. but we're young and young and we're supposed to be relatively carefree. at least in terms of these kind of things.

life is hard enough without extra things holding us back, don't you think? and what if, after all of this effort, it just doesn't work out? what then? then, that kinda sucks.

i don't know. i'm so tired of being disappointed. i'm so tired of being frustrated and mad and knowing that i'm going to be alone for another weekend. i hate it. i hate it so much i just want to cry and cry and cry. because soon, i'll be gone for a month and a half. and then i'll be back. but really i'm never back to you. because even when i'm here, where i consider you to be, i still only see you for a little over 12 hours a week. and lately, although i've been seeing you more often, i've been seeing you for less time. and that really stinks. i don't have time to even be happy, because, just like that, you're out the door, down the hall, down the stairs, across the parking lot and gone. just like that. you're gone.

i think i need stability. i think i need reliability. i think i need security.
the thing is, i also think i need you.


and you're just tired of talking. i'm tired of this. and you're tired of me being tired of this.
i don't know what to do about that.
i'm sorry that our conversations sound like blah blah blah to you.
i'm sorry that i'm having issues and insecurities.
i'm sorry i rather talk about it than avoid it.
i'm sorry i say sorry all the time and sometimes don't mean it at all.
like right now.

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