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Friday, May 27

You are trying so hard not to remember.

I am trying not to forget
the smell of your shoulder
the taste of your end-of-the-day breath
the sound of your heartbeat
the feel of your fingers
the comfort of your shoulder
the goofiness of your dancing
the charming way you smile
the silliness of your made-up songs
the kindness in your eyes
the feeling that I got
every time I looked out the window
and saw you pulling up in your car
(had it been a month or a few hours
since I had seen you last --
it made no difference).

I am trying not to forget
the glow of your orange swim trunks
as you dove into your pool
and swam to my stomach,
pushing me back with your head.

I am trying not to forget
the smell of your car
the sound of your laughter
the feeling of you swooshing me up
the fun we had at your birthday this past year
the peacefulness of your embrace
the comfort of waking up from a bad dream
and you being right there.

I am trying not to forget
the way your feet move
when you are on stage
the fun we had doing everything
(from waiting in line at a restaurant
to driving ten hours in a car)
the look on your face
when you first looked at me,
squinted your eyes
and told me you loved me.

I am trying not to forget
pushing your Jeep over ice
to give it a jump start
meeting Nate for the first time
finally seeing your face
as I rounded the corner and
started down the airport stairs.

I am trying not to forget
the way you held me
when I surprised you at a show
(you squeezed me so, so tightly)
the largeness of your eyes
when you saw me for the first time
and the cute and awkward way
you asked me to be your girlfriend.

I am trying not to forget
so many things.
But it gets so hard
when you refuse to remind me.

1 comment:

Kim Berens said...

I'm very proud of you, and glad to be your friend. Even though it's a very difficult time, and the past year has not been strawberries and cream anyway, you're still the same person I became friends with - with the awesome fashion sense and the donated hair and amazing artwork! I was impressed then, and I still am. I know you feel weak right now, but I've always seen you as very strong and you will get through this, trust me.