Okay. Let's regress for a moment as I type out an excerpt from my journal from May 1st: "When James said that he wanted to propose sooner rather than later, I was a little worried. But he brought it up yesterday, and an airport proposal is something that he thought about and then ruled out. Which is good. Too many types of dramatic and cliche in one sitting, I think. He says he has a few ideas in mind. I tried to weasel some hints out of him, but unfortunately, he is much better at keeping secrets than I am."
May 1st. Of this year. As in, less than two months ago. And people change their minds. People realize that they don't want certain things. I understand that. What I don't understand is the lack of communication. What I don't understand is the lack of understanding when, come two weeks after that discussion about marriage, you want to break up. How could you not understand why I would be confused? How could you then sit there and say, "I don't feel like this is that abrupt"?
All I wanted was patience. That's all. Patience and understanding as I tried to understand. Instead, you answered my phone calls only two times. Even now, we have only talked three times since you initially broke up with me. And that is not from a lack of effort on my part.
At this point, I don't care. I truly do not want to talk to you. But I want you to understand how unfair you were. How unfair it is for your friend to text me and tell me I'm being "ridiculous" because I posted a few angry posts on my blog. Four years of a relationship, three years where we were actively discussing getting married (which you brought up first, I might add), and then you drop me, so suddenly, and expect me to understand after one night? You get frustrated and yell when I ask you "Why?" a week later, when you finally pick up my phone call?
Reading through my journals, reading through emails that you sent me two days before you broke up with, listening (and deleting, don't worry. I'm being healthy about this) to voice mails that you sent me the day before we broke up reminds me that I am not crazy. That I was not crazy to be confused, shocked and altogether thrown.
Because those things that you said, all those things that you said about getting married and spending our lives together, those were things that I believed. And if you never believed them, you shouldn't have said them. Bottom freaking line.