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Thursday, August 16


I've been remembering. The things that I used to think, the things that I used to see. I am remembering them all.

A very large flaw that I see within myself is my inability to let go of the past. I hold grudges. Silently, passively, and yet. I hold them. I hold onto more than just grudges, though. I hold onto emotions and pictures and notes and letters and think and think and think about all the things I could have done but didn't, all the things I shouldn't have done but did. I think about these things and I sink deep within a well of nostalgia for times that did not pass, as well as the ones that did. But these things turn into more than just thoughts; they become objects within themselves. They cling to me, hold onto me, surround me in a way that is nearly impossible to escape. Through them, I can see the world around me, see life as it should be, know that I should be feeling differently; but once I am stuck, it seems that I am stuck. The only solution is to sleep it off, or to distract myself sufficiently until I emerge from the ugly phase. Become myself again.

But then last night. Last night, I was doing it again. I was thinking intensely about high school. About all the things I didn't do. All the friends I didn't make. And I decided to write about these missed opportunities in my journal. But in writing, I realized something profound. Herein lies my revelation:

Every relationship I did not have.
Every laugh I did not laugh.
Every dance I did not dance.
Every tear I did not cry.

(and then, where I was planning to write what a shame all the aforementioned things were, what actually came out was...)

Has made me who I am today.

I refuse to see those things as missed opportunities. They were chance to grow within myself. To be the person I was meant to be. So I took them.

And look at me now.
I am a hearty oak tree.

It was a revelation. An epiphany. It was amazing. And I feel as if, just by having these simple thoughts, I can begin to fix this flaw within myself. I do not have to dwell on all the things that did or did not pass. What could have happened with them did or did not; no matter how much of my time I waste dreaming otherwise, I cannot change that. I respect the person I am today. I like who I am. Of course, I am not anywhere as kind, or generous, or open as a person as I would like to be; but those are things that I constantly working on. And when it comes down to it, everything that has happened up to this moment in my life, the good, the terrible, the downright pathetic, has made me who I am. It has led to this exact moment in time. All the things I did, all the things I never did, all the mistakes I made, they have all led to this moment, to this me, to this version of my existence.

And I would not trade that for anything. Not even a good old time machine. Or a million apple pies.

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