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Sunday, July 17

Sweet obedience ain't really that sweet, bud.

(I feel kind of shy putting these pictures up) 
Trying to locate this part of me again. These pictures were taken in the midst of finals week, when I had been averaging 3 hours of sleep a night for over a month. I was stressed out, and I had about three emotional breakdowns a week. But I was happy. I was happy and content and looking forward to my future.

I'm getting closer to this part of me. I am. I feel it, everyday. With every new experience I have, every new meaningful conversation that I have, with every new opportunity that presents itself to me. Even in moments when I am driving in the car with my family, when I am sitting with my brother and talking about his daily adventures, I feel it. I feel it.

It is getting closer, and this time, it won't rely on someone else. This time, my happiness will not be about anyone but myself, anything but my life. And this is the life that I am building for myself right now. I want it to be full of a happiness that comes from the core, that comes from me being me, that comes from me chasing my dreams and finding fulfillment from being myself.

This kind of happiness, although harder to find, more of a struggle and more frustrating, is ultimately a richer happiness. A deeper and more real happiness. It is a happiness that will stick with me and will, hopefully, be reflected in everything that I do. It is a happiness that will allow me to live a more fulfilled life.

I don't want to be the type of person who needs to be in a relationship to feel "happy." I've never been that person, and I don't want to start now. Someday, I will be a part of a relationship, but it will be when I know that I don't need that person to be happy. I lost sight of that in the last four years,;I lost my independence and my strength. A lot of things happened at the same time that I had a hard time recovering from, but I'm better now. I'm better and stronger and know more about myself and what I want out of a relationship than I ever have before.

And I'm excited. To be myself someday (soon). To go out into the world and live my dreams out loud. To accomplish the things that I have always wanted to accomplish, but was slowly giving up to fit someone else's image of what my life should be (not that I was being forced, in any way. It was my choice). I don't want to get married, and in ten years, look at my life and see a series of missed opportunities and unfulfilled dreams.

I don't know. This is it. This is the beginning of something really great. This is the beginning of something that I don't ever want to lose sight of again. And would you look at that? It's 11:11 again. And I wish for this. This feeling, that I have right now, to last. And for the wisdom and strength to carry on. Carry on with my head held high.

1 comment:

Kim Berens said...

This is inspiring for both single and non single people - I don't want to regret anything either! Thanks!